Dear John,

It's been a while, huh? I guess me breaking up with you would be a perfectly good explanation to us not talking anymore. I know I'm a bitch. I know, okay? It's just my way of showing I'm strong without you (and I am).

You never knew that, did you? That I was so strong. That I could make it without you, and I knew that, even when I said "I don't know what I'd do without you." I did. I knew perfectly well I was independent without you. I just wanted something that everyone else had. Someone who would buy me gifts, a necklace, because it reminded them of me. Or something quirky, because they though I'd like it. I wanted someone I could kiss, and snuggle up to, and smile every time I thought of them. I forced those smiles. Those kisses were planned. The snuggling... Just for security. The presents I made you buy me... All a false answer to my heart. I was feeding my heart with a spoon. I wanted these things; so I forced them; and I got them, didn't I?

But it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted more. I wanted you to be more than a puppet for me. I didn't want to know what you were going to say next. I didn't want to plan those kisses. I wanted you to say you loved me and mean it. But you never did, did you? Even if you did, I wouldn't believe you. I told you I believed you, but I never did.

I was naive, you were naive, it was naive. 10 months of figuring out what we wanted and well, didn't want. It was like an experiment. Experiments are used once; then they don't work again do they?

You never knew me. I loved it when you got angry; you were harsh and for once serious. I hated it when you said anything about that fucking Jesus of yours. I loved it when you made me laugh. I hated your OCD and how everything had to be A) B) C), and not B) C) D). I never liked that. I hate how you never cared. "Aww", doesn't mean you care. I hated how when I showed you my art, it was what everyone else would say about it. I wanted you to be truly wowed. Not, "Wow. Thats nice." My art is very important to me; as conceited as that sounds. I want to be recognized... Especially by someone I would expect who loved me.

As immature as this all was, it immaturely ended.

I didn't want to talk, you didn't want to talk, and so... Now I'm talking. If you read this, don't worry, this post isn't about bashing you. I'm trying to figure it out, still. I needed a better explanation...

I was convinced I loved you. That the necklace that I picked out (quickly) and handed to you would mean something. But I was wrong, wasn't I? I did everything wrong, didn't I... I can say you're the asshole; that when you got mad at me for stupid things, or walked away from me when I was joking around, that you were being an asshole. But it was me, wasn't it? Maybe that's why you can't talk to me. I made you buy me that necklace because I wanted to feel something, John. I wanted to feel important. I wanted to wear that necklace everyday and feel confident being yours. But it weighed me down. I wore that necklace every single day I was with you. I was unhappy, John. I was unhappy in the fact that you knew everything you wanted to be. You had expectations for yourself, I had nothing for me. I just ... When you talked about your life plans, I didn't feel apart of them. You and your damn religion and your family with high standards... I wasn't apart of any of that, I didn't want to be apart of that. You wanted to move to California. You wanted a high paying job. You didn't say you wanted me next to you. I don't remember that, if you did... I apologize for falsely accusing you of not saying that. But, John, damn... I just wanted to feel something. But all I did was feel emptiness. Useless. And stupid.

I was painted happy; I thought I was happy here. I thought that this was perfect, I thought you were the best guy I was ever going to find, and that if I left you I'd be forever alone.

I was afraid of alone.

But what's even more pitiful is that when you said you loved me, it didn't make me happy. It made me depressed. It made me want to cry (which I did many times). I couldn't figure out why... And to this day I still don't understand it.

Maybe because I was so weak. You made me weak, you wore me down. When I met your best friends (girls), they were beautiful and knew who they were. I had no idea who I was. When we tried on dresses for fun, I felt hideous. Like I always did. I wanted to be perfect for you, not me. I wanted perfect. I didn't want me. I hated that. You tried, though, John.

That's what made me cry.

July 5, we just dropped you off, and I was so pissed. We stopped at the dandy, Lesa and Matt got out and went inside. It seemed like forever. I was alone in the back seat. I began to cry. You tried. And I was just a bitch who could never be satisfied, right? I always run away. I always ditch. I've never had my heart broken, I'm too much of a coward. I felt like such an ass. I knew it was over that night, and it hurt.

But I decided that this was what was best, after contemplating for hours on end. I couldn't figure out why I was so confused all of a sudden when I was so sure that I loved you.

And I began realizing I liked Dillon. I denied it. I didn't WANT to like Dillon, right? I wanted to be with you, right? And what were the odds of him even liking me. He'll be going to college anyway. I'll be alone. This is a mistake.

I broke up with you.

But not because I wanted Dillon. But because I realized I had a blindfold on. I was naive, and saying I love you like it wasnt a huge deal. Well, it is a huge deal.

Everyday I fear that I will end up with the blindfold again. That one day I will wake up with the same nauciating feeling that I don't love him.

But I won't steer you into me and Dillon's relationship right now, that's really not of topic here.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Because in the end, it was all me, wasn't it?

You really did try. I want another girl to have you, so stop missing me, stop being jealous, stop thinking about it, just stop.

Find another girl who will appreciate you. And make sure she does, because you deserve it.

- Kittykat

P.S, thank you for leading me. I have finally found myself. Finally.